suffering and celebrating on the path

A beautiful young female Malaysian friend of mine asked me "how it's going these days" which led me to reflect on how to answer: of course I could just say, "Fine, thank you" or could I get into how it's really going. I slipped into reverie (day-dreamy, meditative state) and realized that my answer had to do with the interplay between suffering and celebration.

As I was writing this I was asked that same question by a lovely, wise, spiritual Taiwanese friend, and answered: "At one level I'm tired - not quite exhausted, but low energy from being on the long road to freedom; at another level I'm encouraged here and there by this or that positive occurence, seeing grace flow through me, etc., but still really don't have a clue about what's really going on . . . just keep putting one faithful foot in front of the other." It doesn't take great perceptiveness to see that life is not easy for me these days.

My path of increasing transparency and honesty with myself and others has continued to result in the stripping away of this or that identity construct (these illusory but socially accepted ways of presenting yourself to the world from within which you can feel comfortable and good about yourself) leaving me more exposed to anxious and depressive moods which may be pretty fundamental to how I became myself from an early age. Of course, going through these moods instead of trying to medicate or distract myself from them is transformative; but because of them I'm remembering less often to celebrate the love that holds me, the gift that I have received and that I am to this world.

We know that Mother Theresa shone with grace according to those who were around her, and, yet we also know that she endured the blackest depression in the last few years of her life. For me, I know that in the darkness a light has shone, and the darkness cannot comprehend or overwhelm this light. So despite my  decade of rationalistic psychoanalytic training, I know that where I focus is the source of my strength or weakness. Holding myself, and knowing that I'm held as I walk through anxiety and depression, remembering when I can to celebrate the LOVE that powers this universe, this LOVE that has transformed and is transforming me, while being continually open to what's next is in fact where I live this interplay between suffering and celebration on the path.

grace and blessing be with you all! :)