online spirituality

More and more we are connecting with each other online; in my case through Facebook and Twitter. While text may seem like a limiting medium to some and “being online” an unnatural use of time and energy; those of us who have immersed ourselves in our online connectivity and use it to grow our face-to-face relationships as well as new ones born on the net so to speak, can attest to the depth and heights, even the transcendence of these interactions.

On my path, I simply walk with people who will walk with me. We end up sharing a few things in common – among them being somehow different from mainstream people, with a strong sense of vision or purpose that empowers us. In the next little while I will post some of these conversations, not only as witness of the spiritual possibilities of online communication, but also as an invitation to join in with us on our paths of transformation, lurking on the fringes of our discussion, or even joining in.

So here’s a long excerpt from a conversation P (other side of the world) and I (in Ottawa) had a week or so ago: I have not edited out the normal “grunge” of online chat so that you may savour the authentic flavour of this repast. Do note that there is perhaps a 30 second delay between sending and receiving, and so sometimes you see us responding to statements after a few comments of our own.

enjoy!:

in 20 or 30 years, when you're sitting in your rocking chair and perhaps playing golf regularly you will remember these times with great pleasure, having lots of stories to tell your grand children

this is the time of your life to really make things happen

8:24amP

yes...true! I am experiencing them now with great pleasure too!

yes..

I agree!

totally!

to me the best years I have had..so far.

8:24amDaniel

:)

8:25amP

the first bit was just preparation.

but for what?

8:25amDaniel

that's right

8:25amP

well I know now!

or at least better.

8:25amDaniel

you're already in the middle of it P

8:25amP

just had to keep my path going and inthe right direction

yes...

8:25amDaniel

and it's not the plan or the horizon that matters but the way you walk and handle things day to day - that's where it all happens

yup

8:26amP

glad I had the courage and encouragement to do it.

yes..makes sense...

being present, aware.

8:26amDaniel

those of in that magical mix, around and through whom things happen - that's how it is

8:26amP

yes...magical is a word for sure!

And the coincidences just keep on happening...

8:26amDaniel

so is presence and awareness!! :o))

8:26amP

yes!

8:27amDaniel

start calling them synchronicities or even better - God-incidences! :o))

8:27amP

now the coincidences are more influenced by my wishes..

as long as they are genuine and not self focussed.

can't spell that word.

8:27amDaniel

GOT IT

8:27amP

the C word I can.

8:28amDaniel

you can spell God-incidences or at least "meaningful coincidences"

8:28amPeter

ok or coincidences for short...

lol

8:28amDaniel

when you say God - you know that doesn't mean you're buying all the religious stuff that comes with the word

LoL

8:28amP

Did I say God?

8:28amDaniel

what else do we call "the one in whom we live and move and have our being"

8:28amP

I thought that was you!

8:29amDaniel

yes - I'm encouraging you to use the word my friend! :o))

not that it matters at all

8:29amP

hmmm...I believe in a sense in a God, but not a being though.

no, I am just teasing.

I do use it..

8:29amDaniel

LoL

8:29amP

or my preferred word...Allah.

8:29amDaniel

yes Allah is great!! in many ways

8:30amP

I think my way of viwing thhe world is more pagan like

8:30amDaniel

over a beer sometime I'll have the Jesus/Abba discussion with you

8:30amP

not that i understand it that well..just rings truer to me.

8:30amDaniel

did you know that Jesus did not come to start a religion?

8:30amP

Abba...yeah they are great!

8:30amDaniel

LoL

what he taught is potentially transformative within any religion

8:31amP

He was setting up a store or somethign right?

8:31amDaniel

anyhow - nuff of htat

8:31amP

carpenter?

can\t remember..

8:31amDaniel

I like your sense of humour

8:31amP

why did he first come? interested.

8:31amDaniel

He was a guy like us

8:31amP

thx

not everyone does!

especially the brits over here.

8:32amDaniel

someone who knew he was "special" and something was planned for him

8:32amP

hmmmm...this feels familiar!

8:32amDaniel

was so close to "the one in whom we live and move and have our being" that he told his followers to call God "Abba" which in Aramaic means "Dadda"

he walked around like an infant holding the creator's hand

absolute trust, total enjoyment

8:33amP

did he have curly brown hair and a beard?

8:33amDaniel

but as one called he "got up the noses" of the religious establishment

ha ha ha

looked more like your Arab buddies wise guy!!

should I continue?

8:33amP

yes.

keep going..the humour are memory jogs for the future for me..sorry!

8:34amDaniel

you see us humans don't deal very well with people who have direct experience of "the divine"

don't apologize! :o))

8:34amP

ok...take it back.

8:35amDaniel

so we create religion - rules, rituals, ways of reassuring ourself that we are clsoe to God - but without necessarily providing the direct experience

ironically we are immersed in God but oblivious to that fact

trained to understand a world without the spiritual dimension

8:35amP

this makes sense to me

8:36amDaniel

bascially improverished, hungry - as Augustine said - we have a God-sized hole in our heart

8:36amP

yes, a focus on what our senses show us...the forms shapes and sounds, the physical world.

8:36amDaniel

anyhow - realization or enlightenment for Eastern Masters is much the same experience as waking up and realiizing we are chidlren of God - specially called - full of charisms and grace if only we knew it

but most people don't

so they trudge along worrying about what other people think and trying to satisfy themselves with possessions, etc.

only a few people, people like you and I, get it, or may get it

the rest don't

so . . . what are you thinking?

8:38amP

hmmmm...why do you say I get it?

8:38amDaniel

it's about direct experience of who you actually are as one connected to that which is more than you are

8:38amP

I am thinking actually, that this all makes sense...I am also thinking about

8:38amDaniel

when you start acting like that, making decision like that - then you're one of the special ones

8:39amP

ego, individuality and the pursuit of both...

how this denial of innerconnectivity takes over our actions and conscious thoughts...

8:39amDaniel

uh-huh

8:40amP

when we are "born" it seems to me we have to work very hard to figure out who we are and capable of just to survive,

8:40amDaniel

yes

working with the tools at hand

8:40am

this naturally means we need space froom the others around us to do this.

problem is this becomes our goals...

we get stuck there.

always thinking of self...how we differ from others.

8:41amDaniel

if you were to study human perception - you see that we "see" selectively

8:41amP

and how the material world successes enables us to display those differeinces.

our clothes, etc.

yes..makes sense...

8:41amDaniel

right - in a false image, a false construct

so selective seeing means that we ignore aspects of our experience that would connect us deeply within - or to the One

8:41amP

just as the "coincidences" or those other words, I believe we may selectively notice.

8:42amDaniel

and instead stay trapped like rats running on a wheel

God is always inviting us to the greater reality

8:42amP

yes....there is a lot of fear!

8:42amDaniel

something inside is always yearning for it

8:42amP

lot of ego to protect us from our fears.

8:42amDaniel

absolutely fear keeps us trapped!!

8:42amP

yes...I understand.

the world is moving so fast, hard to find a place for many to slow down to see this.

8:43amDaniel

your "self" has been expanding for some time now

8:43amP

also, easier to do surronded by nature.

8:44amDaniel

the constructed world is built to distract, entertain and comfort so that we never get to what really matters

8:44amP

I am very conscious of ego, labels, and things.

8:44amDaniel

uh-huh

8:44amP

yes, it has become more than just for survival...

the material things, a total preoccupation, how our shopping malls are the new religioin.

but how unsatisfying it is...

8:45amDaniel

and sports stadiums, movie theatres

8:45amP

we have to go back and back to fill tha yearning

8:45amDaniel

absolutely - we are being anethsetized

8:45amP

yes...but the difference for me of sports stadiums is the collective energy one feels

it can be incredible.

8:45amDaniel

have to risk, have to surrender

8:45amP

whenn we speak and feel as one.

yes...how to do this is the challenge!

and at the root of all ths must be love.

8:46amDaniel

true - it does open our potential to us - but in a way that ultimately misses what matters

8:46amP

without it..ain't gonna work.

not lust, not the crazy hand wringing love...

not the sleepless type

but true love.

8:46amDaniel

yes in greek the word is agape - which means unconditional love

as opposed to eros or filia

8:47amP

okay..

yes, unconditional very important concept!

Yes...okay..

8:47amDaniel

when you simply want the best for the other person, for other people, without the What's in it for me factor (WIFM) - that is unconditional love

8:48amP

joy is another key state

yes...

8:48amDaniel

ecstacy even!!

8:48amP

yes..I agree with you!

Okay....so starting to see why you said you and I...

have or are awakening.

8:48amDaniel

at the core of our being, when we are in flow, ecstacy, unconditional love, contentment or peace are our natural feelings

8:49amP

hmmm..makes sense...

have felt that state a lot since coming here to Oman.

8:49amDaniel

yes, I know

8:49amP

I never feel lonely, even though no family here.

8:49amDaniel

I'm very happy for you . . .

it was like that for me in Ghana as well

8:49amP

I live alone, and spend many days that way....still not lonely.

its great.

8:49amDaniel

but I'm also learning to be like that wherever I am

8:49amP

Thanks!

yes....it is wonderful isn't it?

yes....this is true...

8:50amDaniel

absolutley!

8:50amP

good poiint.

8:50amDaniel

lovely connecting with you at this level P

8:50amP

It is much easier to be like that when one has gotten some strength and experience with it.

8:50amDaniel

heart-warming in fact

8:50amP

yeah this is great!

this conversation is just flowing;

8:50amDaniel

yes, the spiritual path is mostly about the work after the awakening

8:51amP

like streams of conjoined consciousness.

8:51amDaniel

to unlearn the first decades of habits, assumptions, thinking patterns, beliefs, etc.

8:51amP

so...an interestign other side of the coin is..

8:51amDaniel

yup yup yup

I'm listening

8:51amP

okay I will hold my thought (on empathy)

oh..okay..

as this awakenking has been happening I feel i am more in tune with the others around me.

i can feel them more..

sense the core issues they are facing.

even almost sense their thoughts, often

8:52amDaniel

right

8:52amP

unexpressed or articulated..

8:52amDaniel

welcome to who we really are P

8:52amP

but I can express those thoughts for them.

happens all the time at meetings.

8:53amDaniel

other cutures that have not done the materialistic thing have had this intution, wisdom for a long time

very cool!

8:53amP

i used to think these were my ideas, but in truth.

8:53amDaniel

makes you very effective!

8:53amP

not..I just sensed them, expressed them.

hmmm...

wow..this is interesting.

8:53amDaniel

there is a concept - a word for this

8:53amP

however, when one is like that, and is not feeling strong, the empathy can make it difficult to keep going.

you are so susceptible to those feelings.

what is the word?

8:54amDaniel

they call it reading the "field" that we all in fact are not only physical beings but carry a field (auora) - and sensitive people pick up the fields of others

I know what you mean about finding it hard to keep moving

8:54amP

okay...yes, I understand totally.

8:55amDaniel

sometimes I've been doubled over in pain and in tears because of the wall of pain I hit

8:55amP

this field is partially what connects us.

8:55amDaniel

other's pain

yes that's right

8:55amP

wow...I am not that empathic yet.

8:56amDaniel

it's a rare exprience for me - but on the other hand I don't regularly experience what you're talking about - our gifts are different

8:56amP

yes..I suppose our filters or "sensers" are different.

Hmmmm...this is interesting.

8:56amDaniel

we are of course each unique - and I really edmire what you can do with meetings

8:56amP

I had a conversation with someone the other day who

Thanks!

8:57amDaniel

people who are sensitive like you sometimes use rituals to "cleanse" themselves of other people's issues and affects

8:57amP

oh yes?

Over here it seems to be one of hitting the bottle.

really!

but does not work for me. interested.

what do you suggest?

8:58amDaniel

the New Agers will use candles, incense, even wash their face or take a shower as an outward symbol of cleansing themselves (in a sense staying separate from) what they've taken in from someone else

8:58amP

interesting...

8:58amDaniel

I use alcohol as well

8:58amP

incense is very popular here.

From the Frankincense tree.

Yeah me too!

but even more so...

8:59amDaniel

but we both know that regularly using alcohol is not a solution but just a temporary fix with its own complications

8:59amP

I have been very conscious of washing my face for the past severl months...funny you mention that one.

I love to do it..use a lavendar based soap.

huh...funny that!

9:00amDaniel

well symbolically again - our face is our sense of who we are

washing ourselves means separating stuff from us that we don't own or want

so when your boundaries are too fluid - and you actually feel the impact of someone else's mood - or worse feel them draining your energy - it's important that you can "separate" yourself from that experience

9:01amP

yes....

9:01amDaniel

a ritual P is something you do meaningfully - you will find your own

go ahead

9:02amP

welll when I wash my face, it actuallly feels ritualistic, now that I think of it..

it did feel like i was dong more than just getting rid of grime and dead cells from the surface.

It seems to make more sense now.

9:02amDaniel

so the more consciously you "participate" in the ritual - and the more you pull into it your greater sense of self/God, etc. the more powerfully it will assist you

9:03amP

the refreshing nature of the washing was always more than skin deep.

9:03amDaniel

uh-huh

9:03amP

Okay i will try this....see what happens.

I think I understand how to do this, what it means.

9:03amDaniel

you know how holy people are often portrayed as having light around their faces

9:03amP

important too to verbalize I believe.

9:04amDaniel

agreed

9:04amP

yes.

facebook a little messed up here.

9:04amDaniel

are you aware that you are radiant?

9:04amP

who? you mean all of us..

9:04amDaniel

you personally

9:04amP

me?

hmmmm...

9:05amDaniel

I've seen this for a while now

9:05amP

what do you mean?

9:05amDaniel

spiritually sensitive people can see this

those who read auras see brighter, whiter light around those whose selves are more expanded

Jesus told his disciples "you are the light of the world"

you've had a shining personality for sometime now P

9:06amP

huh! gee...shucks.

9:07amDaniel

so your ace washing, is in one sense, a dropping of conditioned, limiting identifications - that pull you down and drain your energy (almost like dirt or tar) and free you to shine as you really are

9:07amP

trying to tame mr ego right now!

9:07amDaniel

ah -- I can only say this stuff to you now because you are working on your ego - because earlier you certainly were getting a swelled head - no doubt about it

9:07amP

huh...interesting.

what!? me? swelled head?

9:08amDaniel

when we're free to BE without needing to be well respected - then we truly are free

heh heh

9:09amP

I believe that respect will come anyway, if our path is true and our means honest...

9:09amDaniel

of course

9:09amP

Of course what you said about jesus before is a point where the respect may not be given.

but that is due to vested interests or the fear thing.

9:10amDaniel

??

missed something

9:10amP

When you mentioned that Jesus upset the Religious leaders of the day.

9:10amDaniel

its okay - I remember

yup

it's just that in the conditioned world we need this stuff . . . as you are freed into who you really are, you are more a channel of grace - like Jesus was

9:11amP

hmmm...yes.

9:11amDaniel

you can face total opposition from everyone that "matters" and still be true

9:11amP

hmmm..yes.

makes sense.

opposition in a way, passes right through you.

without touching you..

another one of those ironies, of which there are many!

9:12amDaniel

yup!! good insights!! but we do need affirmation - it's just that when you're connected to ultimate reality - people's opinions don't matter as much

what makes this stuff difficult to talk about is not our shared experience, but all the religious baggage associated with jesus or God language

9:13amP

yes...I must agree.I am afraid I am not well versed at all in the Christian faith, or any other one..

for some reason, just did not, or does not resonate with me.

9:14amDaniel

but when you hit the simpler faith of good people - something attracts you - thus Allah feels interesting

9:15amP

yes...it does, you are right.

so does paganism, the native rituals..

more grounded, more real..more turned in the direction

9:15amDaniel

absolutely and so does walks out in nature

9:15amP

that intuivietly makes sense to me.

yes.

9:16amDaniel

i can soar in ecstacy simply at the sight of a wonderful cloudscape or the stars at night

9:16amP

Yes, acctually me too.

or the smell of a pine or cedar forest.

or the waves washiing on the shore.

9:17amDaniel

:)

anytime your senses are filled with the beauty of creation

"you fill up my senses" comes to mind

9:17amP

As we mess with nature, with the beauty of reation as you put it, then we are really messing with ourselves.

9:18amDaniel

that's for sure!!!

and we are really messed up now

9:18amP

not only with the phsyical/biological world, but how all the energy is moved amongst us.

9:18amDaniel

look at all the auto-immune diseases

9:18amP

and the quality and richeness of that energy.

yes...and these are physical manisfestations.

of something much deeper.

9:19amDaniel

and the deadness of our souls that comes from constructed numbing out built on the carcasses of so many living beings, treated with disrespect, inhumanity ./ . .

9:19amP

yes....a downward spiral...

hmmm..seems like some sort of cleansing will be needed soon!

9:19amDaniel

with evermore neon lights to keep us entranced

9:20amP

or a dramatic change in how we behave.

yes...

9:20amDaniel

now you know where apocalyptic imagery comes from (end of the world type stuff)

9:20amP

yes.

I have to head to the washroom...nothign to do with apocalypse or anything..

brb

9:21amDaniel

k

my former teacher (guru) once said, "God loves diversity"

well we are killing off God's beloved diversity - whether you consider bio-diversity or the diversity of human cultures - we are homogenizing everything into something increasingly lifeless and tasteless

9:23amP

yes...

to me a fear based process, a need to reduce nature to a simplicity that we can understand.

to take nature from God's image to man's

9:24amDaniel

fear and control go hand in hand

9:23amP

if you will.

However, this is the strenght of tourism.

why people want to travel, to experience other cultures and places.

9:24amDaniel

wow - that's a quotable quote!!!

9:24amP

because of a desire and need for this diversity.

but not for everyone.

those that go for the beaches and sun..no.

lol

9:25amDaniel

agreed

(taking nature from God's image to man's)

I will definitely use that if that's okay

9:25amP

yeah...thanks

no problem..it was our conversation that precipated it.

so it is as much yours as mine!

9:26amDaniel

thanks!

anyhow - it would be something like a nugget from our online conversation - an example of God's work in our virtual world or some such thing! :)

might show up in my blog

9:27amP

When you get here, you will see the splenders of the ancient sculptures that nature has created.

9:27amDaniel

uh-huh :)

9:27amP

interesting to think about when i was in the Louvre..which i did.

yes..to the above parts..

sorry...phone ringing..other room.

9:28amDaniel

much as I love art - I'll take creation's beauty anytime

c ya

Blame, judgment, projection & the spiritual path

This path known by many names but travelled by only a few, this path of surrender, of service, of self-realization, of grace and blessing, this path of transformation for those who have left or are leaving the world behind, this path as it continues to rise up before me weaves its spell of new insight, of self-recognition and in so doing blesses me, and makes me a vehicle of blessing for those around me.

But anyone with the power to bless also has the power to curse, and this perhaps is why Jesus was SO strong on us not judging, not condemning our sisters and brothers but rather forgiving them as part of our walk of love. If there is a needed change, it is in being lovingly accepted that a change is more likely, rather than in having a finger wagged in your face. But, more importantly, this habit, this tendency, this attitude of finding others blameworthy is rooted in our own insecurities, our own fear, even our own self-hatred.

As one who has committed himself to a life of loving service I nevertheless this week increasingly became aware of my own tendencies to judge, complete with righteous anger no less! For example, I’ve been starting to say what I think to some Tweeple on Twitter about how offensive I find their “marketing practices,” as increasingly they are setting up false attractive identities (young woman) as a way of getting you to click on a link/URL that is supposed to take you to this woman’s website but instead gives you some stupid get rich now thing to sign – just type in your email address! But worse are those people who pose as good Christian or spiritual people who really just want to sell you their own get rich quick scheme. I have gone after a few of these people, but then found myself in the messy situation of discussing someone’s way of doing business, of following God and leading their own lives. Perhaps something good will result from such an interaction, but it is a far cry from the satisfaction that comes from calling a spade a spade, especially when it’s someone else’s spade that you are naming!

So where does this feeling of satisfaction come from? In the case of Twitter, I too am a person representing myself to the world through this particular medium and working both on the face I present (trying to be as authentic as possible) and what in fact I have to sell if anything. So even a cursory look inwards turns up all kinds of mixed motivations and ambivalences that find some resolution in finger-pointing.

Then there’s soccer, where I felt righteous enough to take on the new manager of my team, the one I managed last year, but in pursuing Africa left it for someone else to rescue. Having rejoined the team just before the season will start, I reacted strongly to something he said in email about a couple of players. Again there was this telling feeling of satisfaction, and again, of course, stuff to deal with after calling a spade a spade. Speaking the truth in love does not result in self-righteous satisfaction; something else is going on.

But in an even cuter twist that the Spirit, the One in whom we live and move and have our being, the blessed magic of my path, has synchronistically brought to my attention, is this pattern of mine which begins with me, who after all lives in flow, pulling together or allowing to emerge a situation for which I have the vision, I get it, but then others don’t and things fall apart. Here again, I’ve woken up to realize that I badly want someone else to take the fall, if only in my mind, rather than looking at how my way of doing things is not working. I say synchronicity because it so happened that I was confronted with our (Saint Cecilia’s Singers) need to record our upcoming practice and/or performance (see poster), which brought again to mind the failure of the spontaneous recording of our last concert (we never got anything out of it) which I had organized. I felt I should tell our director how is actions had kiboshed the whole thing, which I least had the discretion to do privately. His response included the failures in communication that led to the misunderstanding.

I got an email today as well about how in the end the money sent by a friend to Ghana for supporting the start of our NGO was dispersed to another worthy cause because our NGO is a no go: again I had a vision for how it all should go, the pieces were coming together nicely and then it all fell apart. I so much want to blame someone else!!!

Finally, I’m presently struggling mightily (hmmm, doesn’t sound very flow-like does it?) to get a project I’m managing to come together as I see it . . . but the guys are not seeing it my way, and it has not come together yet. Perhaps now we’ll see how patience, being grounded in everyone’s input, confidence, etc., rather than simply my own and my ability to carry the day (sell water to fishermen) will bring US to that flow. We shall see . . . but returning to the main theme then . . .

It is when my own sense of self, my own ego, is threatened by a failure that implicates me, or by a way of acting that I’m repulsed by but also attracted, it’s the internal need to resolve my own ambivalence by projecting the blame onto another person that makes me feel that satisfaction, that calling a spade a spade that leaves me feeling righteous! There is so much work to do on this path, so much clearing away of illusions, defenses, assumptions, etc., The nice thing about this hard work is that it’s not only the work of an adult taking responsibility for his stuff and supporting other in doing the same, it’s also the work of a beloved child, held and supported by the One, our Abba, learning to love anew, to see anew, and to increasingly be free, free to play and dance lovingly with those I’m given to share this journey.

grace and blessings to you, whatever your path

may you also find yourself held by One! :)

Technorati Tags: spiritual path,judgment,projection,ego,surrender,love,service,blessing,flow,Spirit,the One

take up your cross and follow me

I find myself resonating more and more with Jesus' command to his disciples. For those who have answered the call, who have realized they've been chosen, this is the straight and narrow path that almost everything in our nature rebels against; I say "almost everything" because the depth of filial love and devotion can in fact cause us to lay down our life if need be.

Inspiring me this week on this path have been the reflections of a Sufi devotee going through his early awakening back in the early 1970's, a devotee who has since gone to become a teacher of many. I have been offered many things to read, but rarely pick one up. In this case though when I had read the first paragraph I knew I would be working with this for a while.

He traces in his own experience themes found in many mystical paths, that of accepting even embracing the wounded heart we all carry: the loneliness, the emptiness, the self-rejection; this pain we all flee from by way of distractions such as work, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, entertainment, sports, etc. He does so by accepting his teacher's instruction to not allow himself to follow any of these ways of constructing an ego, a sense of self based on partial identifications. Rather than becoming the doer, the person who strives for this or that pleasure, who pursues fulfillment in these ways, and becomes self-identified as a person who does this or that, as a Sufi he only focused on God and on being aware of this emptiness, not trying to fill it at all. This he found extraordinarily difficult as he was at that time both in love with a woman for the first time as well as devoted to his teacher; but he would not permit himself to ask them for anything, to need anything from them and so found himself in agony.

Eventually after suffering for many weeks some experiences of love and bliss began to break through here and there. As he described his transport of delight at a loving glance from a friend, or a sublime moment in nature, I remembered fondly my own sweet tendency to ecstacy a year ago, how easily I slid into an exalted state of love, joy and bliss. I realized that the metaphor so often used for transformational work and the spiritual path, that of peeling the layers of the onion, was quite apropro here for me. I have been through a number of successive layers of denying a certain ego gratification, of dropping a certain attachment to identity, and am currently going through one again.

The one that is now being dropped is my attachment to being the advisor, the wise friend, the one with the answers: oh how I loved this ego identity! Letting go of it is really quite depressing, both because I've kicked another crutch out from under my faltering sense of identity, as well as tarnished the memory of many pleasurable encounters where I was the man with the right word at the right time. Not that God doesn't work through us when we're "happy doing what we're doing" so to speak, for of course S/He does; but seeing my need to be needed outlined in such bold relief turns yet another worldly or self-centred fulfillment into ashes in my mouth.

At the same time I'm feeling more and more urgent about getting business going again; believing perhaps that it's finally time to make some money, to repay some debts, to get myself back over to Africa, etc. I have my brother continuing to say to me that he believes that my gifts are in the business world, not just on the path, so to speak. I don't know, but perhaps I've spent enough time in this desert of the ego, enough time dropping attachments, etc., that perhaps I'm ready to truly be "in the world but not of the world."

Let's face it folks, there is a certain something suicidal about the willingness to "take up my cross" and follow Jesus; to emulate him in every way. The willingness to take the via dolorosa, to be tortured, to fall under the weight of the cross, to be crushed, broken and pierced is yet finally the path of liberation.

We cannot have two masters, either we care more about what everyone thinks, we care more about our creaturely comforts, about our stuff, or we are in fact sold out, surrendered and living only for God. It's not that our Creator doesn't love all the children S/He has created, or that those who are merely good in a worldly or religious manner are not loved and accepted; it's simply that to be like Jesus is to NOT be of this world.

It is so confusing for Christians who believe they are following Jesus when in fact they are part of a religious club that has Jesus as its hero. Picking up your cross and following Jesus is not simply another way of saying that suffering is part of life, just accept it and know that Gop still loves you: No, it's far more radical than that.

Jesus didn't call Christians, he called disciples saying only those who were willing to leave everything behind to follow him were worthy to be chosen. When he said go and make disciples of all nations, he did not have in mind building churches in every country, nor was he trying to create a religion. He was saying to people one at a time, come and follow me, become like a little child with Abba (literally Dadda in Armaic) our Creator like me, be filled with the Spirit like me, leave the world behind like me and be my disciple. At his ascension his disciples graduated into teachers and were told to go and make more disciples in the same way: one at a time, person to person, heart to heart, so that those who could hear the call, who would one day realize they too had been chosen, would follow them, would follow Jesus, whatever country, language or religion they came from.

We are a light in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it, nor can it. Those of us who see the light, through whom the light shines, are also not at home in this world anymore. I was realizing just the other day how much I missed "being at home." I've been such a married family guy in my life but have been on my own now for a few years; more recently I woke up while on my long reteat and realized I was called to walk with whomever I'm given to walk with, and have since given away or sold most of my possessions so that I'm free to go wherever the Spirit leads. I now find myself being like Jesus, not having a place to lay my head, a place to call home. This then is part of what it means for me to pick up my cross and follow him: I seek no worldly comfort, no place to call home, but instead walk as I'm led, with whomever I'm given. So be it!