This path known by many names but travelled by only a few, this path of surrender, of service, of self-realization, of grace and blessing, this path of transformation for those who have left or are leaving the world behind, this path as it continues to rise up before me weaves its spell of new insight, of self-recognition and in so doing blesses me, and makes me a vehicle of blessing for those around me.
But anyone with the power to bless also has the power to curse, and this perhaps is why Jesus was SO strong on us not judging, not condemning our sisters and brothers but rather forgiving them as part of our walk of love. If there is a needed change, it is in being lovingly accepted that a change is more likely, rather than in having a finger wagged in your face. But, more importantly, this habit, this tendency, this attitude of finding others blameworthy is rooted in our own insecurities, our own fear, even our own self-hatred.
As one who has committed himself to a life of loving service I nevertheless this week increasingly became aware of my own tendencies to judge, complete with righteous anger no less! For example, I’ve been starting to say what I think to some Tweeple on Twitter about how offensive I find their “marketing practices,” as increasingly they are setting up false attractive identities (young woman) as a way of getting you to click on a link/URL that is supposed to take you to this woman’s website but instead gives you some stupid get rich now thing to sign – just type in your email address! But worse are those people who pose as good Christian or spiritual people who really just want to sell you their own get rich quick scheme. I have gone after a few of these people, but then found myself in the messy situation of discussing someone’s way of doing business, of following God and leading their own lives. Perhaps something good will result from such an interaction, but it is a far cry from the satisfaction that comes from calling a spade a spade, especially when it’s someone else’s spade that you are naming!
So where does this feeling of satisfaction come from? In the case of Twitter, I too am a person representing myself to the world through this particular medium and working both on the face I present (trying to be as authentic as possible) and what in fact I have to sell if anything. So even a cursory look inwards turns up all kinds of mixed motivations and ambivalences that find some resolution in finger-pointing.
Then there’s soccer, where I felt righteous enough to take on the new manager of my team, the one I managed last year, but in pursuing Africa left it for someone else to rescue. Having rejoined the team just before the season will start, I reacted strongly to something he said in email about a couple of players. Again there was this telling feeling of satisfaction, and again, of course, stuff to deal with after calling a spade a spade. Speaking the truth in love does not result in self-righteous satisfaction; something else is going on.
But in an even cuter twist that the Spirit, the One in whom we live and move and have our being, the blessed magic of my path, has synchronistically brought to my attention, is this pattern of mine which begins with me, who after all lives in flow, pulling together or allowing to emerge a situation for which I have the vision, I get it, but then others don’t and things fall apart. Here again, I’ve woken up to realize that I badly want someone else to take the fall, if only in my mind, rather than looking at how my way of doing things is not working. I say synchronicity because it so happened that I was confronted with our (Saint Cecilia’s Singers) need to record our upcoming practice and/or performance (see poster), which brought again to mind the failure of the spontaneous recording of our last concert (we never got anything out of it) which I had organized. I felt I should tell our director how is actions had kiboshed the whole thing, which I least had the discretion to do privately. His response included the failures in communication that led to the misunderstanding.
I got an email today as well about how in the end the money sent by a friend to Ghana for supporting the start of our NGO was dispersed to another worthy cause because our NGO is a no go: again I had a vision for how it all should go, the pieces were coming together nicely and then it all fell apart. I so much want to blame someone else!!!
Finally, I’m presently struggling mightily (hmmm, doesn’t sound very flow-like does it?) to get a project I’m managing to come together as I see it . . . but the guys are not seeing it my way, and it has not come together yet. Perhaps now we’ll see how patience, being grounded in everyone’s input, confidence, etc., rather than simply my own and my ability to carry the day (sell water to fishermen) will bring US to that flow. We shall see . . . but returning to the main theme then . . .
It is when my own sense of self, my own ego, is threatened by a failure that implicates me, or by a way of acting that I’m repulsed by but also attracted, it’s the internal need to resolve my own ambivalence by projecting the blame onto another person that makes me feel that satisfaction, that calling a spade a spade that leaves me feeling righteous! There is so much work to do on this path, so much clearing away of illusions, defenses, assumptions, etc., The nice thing about this hard work is that it’s not only the work of an adult taking responsibility for his stuff and supporting other in doing the same, it’s also the work of a beloved child, held and supported by the One, our Abba, learning to love anew, to see anew, and to increasingly be free, free to play and dance lovingly with those I’m given to share this journey.
grace and blessings to you, whatever your path
may you also find yourself held by One! :)
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